2 nights and 25 women = craziness

i went to a mother/daughter retreat this weekend. for me it meant skiing, tobogganing, broomball, snowshoeing and giggling, but God had soo much more for me there. first off it was at Moose Lake the camp i worked at this summer, that i've been feeling guilty for saying no for working there this summer. being there brought back sooo many memories; good and bad and the topic of me working there kept coming up. the other thing that happened is being there i went back into my "camp staff role", which means i became an extreme introvert and just tried to make sure everyone was happy.

i also noticed a lot about women, most of all is that i'm becoming girly not womenly. my first clue was when we all said hobbies and most were like reading, coffeeing, and knitting, then there was mine: basketballing, swimming, camping, hiking, yogaing (hehe they all had to end in -ing). then i noticed how much they complained, about the beds, and the cabins, and the smells, and how sore they were, and all the things they couldn't do because of physical pain. what if that becomes me, seriously if i have to stop working out i'm gonna become a cranky cranky lady. and then we sat around and sang slow "pretty" songs and made "pretty" cards. and the sessions talked about maintaining relationships, feelings and making the right decisions. hehe, the lady had some theory that if you talked to your mom about sex you wouldn't have sex earily... ya i didn't get it either, but i learnt that i'm not suppose to go home with the guys i met at the bar, thanx Mother Mary. don't get me wrong besides the extreme womenly things, it was very fun and i will go again next year. it was nice that my cousins were there, but it would have been better if my sisters were there too, i think we're more similar then i thought we were.

one thing; do you think skinny dipping is a big deal? cause it came up and it was such a big thing. i dont' get it, i did it in gr. 10 and i was just cold haha. why is being naked soo bad? and why don't some ppl that are married not joke about sex? i honestly can't see why these are things to be soo uptight about. unless it's your mother talking, then you run and cry and hide in a secreat room with a locked door committed to life of making "pretty" cards and singing "pretty" songs and discussing your feelings to get away from the pain!!

the crap of the world has been thrown and i have become it's victom

i've really been trying to be positive, but now it's done, i'm about to exploid. so tues i dyed my hair and it doesn't look good at all. it's blonde now and dead. i don't think i've ever had hair that isn't soft when you touch it. wednesday i wanted to go to bible study but then i got sick, so i had to stay home and do dishes. and then try to explain to the guy from camp that i can't work there, because i need money, ya i've never felt like a more selfish horrible Christian. i really did try to stay positive till today it was kinda the last straw. i went to the mall to try and find a winter jacket and then in my stupidity i locked my keys in my car with my lights on. so i wondered throu the mall determined to buy something, i found a jacket, but i'm sure i'll return it. and then i went to moxies after the mall closed and looked just like such a loser all by myself in the lounge. it was nice thou i had my martini (it was sooo good) and for my indolgence of food i had *big drum roll* a spinach salad. strange, i just couldn't bring myself to eat anything bad for me.

i guess the lesson in all this is that life is just crappy sometimes, and that's just the way it is. but what makes me happy is that right now these are the biggest problems in my life. i left my keys in my car, but at least i have a car, and at least i have gotten the experience to work at camp and i'm missing out on it because i'm in university, which thou i never remember it, but it is a blessing. and at least i have a Bible study that i'm missing and the hair.... well .... apparently humility is a good thing..... to some ppl.

never in your life would you get me to burst into some hymn of praise or laugh or even smile, i feel crappy, but somehow underneath it all there's still that underlining joy. oh well there's only 3 days left of the week, it can't possibly be too much worse..... right? : S

my alter

last week i was talking to my mom about making alters in your life to remember what God has done and so this is kinda me looking back and realizing how far i've come.

"don't you see that the charade is over and all the best desciptations and the clever cover story awards go to you" i love that line, it's from Dashboard Confessional. synonyms for charade are pretense, farce, sham, fake, travesty, imitation, stimulation, make-believe and this is how i felt my life was. i think i'm finally to the point where i'm done "playing pretend". i'm realizing that naturally truth will come out as hard as you try to cover it up. that's such a blessing in that you don't really have to worry so much about things becoming as they should be, but it's scary because then ppl will see me, the real me. i realized this year how spoiled i am, seriously i lived on a resort last year!! i thought that i wasn't attached to these things, but i really am... horribly much. i hate it, but it's true. hehe, sometimes before i go to bed just for entertainment i make different outfits to wear out, or i practice doing things with my hair.

i'm no super-Christian either. Jesus is my best friend and i love Him soo much. i know where i should be at and where others are, but i'm not even close to that. i don't read my Bible very much at all, when i'm angry i swear, i judge ppl on their looks.....(i could go on for a while). i feel like there's this view going on that if non-Christians see you mess up you loose your testimony and maybe that's true, but i don't want to pretend i'm something i'm not, ya know.

sometimes i feel like i'm such a different breed then other Christians, like the things that i struggle with i shouldn't, like i should somehow be sooo beyond that, but i'm not. my yearbook quote in grade 12 was "Jesus is watching you!" at the moment it seemed to be funny, ya don't ask me why, it's creepy. but it was how i felt, like the whole world was watching for my slip up and if it happened i'd loose everything. so this is the reason for my alter, i finally realized that that doesn't matter, Jesus has always seen me in all my mistakes and He still loves me, the only real unconditional love you can have. this has always been head knowledge, but know it's in my heart, i think that's a big difference.

yesterday i was watching Much Music and apparently one of the members from Korn become a Christian and left the band to use his talents to serve Jesus. hehe, Jake use to always talk about how great it would be if Korn turned Christian or maybe that was Metillica!! and then i heard Tim McGraw's new song, it ends with Him singing "i need you Jesus, amen". God is soo real and His work is evident.

i think this is more in response to whoever is the annonymous person that comments on my account. i know that i'm superfical and i know that ppl watch me and so they will see the real me, and so here it is.

sooo pleaz don't anyone make any comments with randomlly selected verses on how i'm the light of the world and that i shouldn't be hot or cold or crap like that, because i will flip out on you. this is me where i'm at, i'm a lot better then i use to be and i know God's not gonna keep me here. that's what makes my life exceptional, that God won't let me stay here.

a little bit more of the iceberg

"After a while you learn the difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love isn't leaning, but lending support. You begin to accept your defeats with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You decide to build your roads on today, for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain. You help someone plant a garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that God has give you the strength to endure and that you really do have worth."-unknown

if you didn't guess i got that one from my mom, well actually Mrs. Siemens, but whatever. these are things i'm learning as i'm "growing up". i think i can't avoid the maturing process, but i'm definetly gonna try my best to not become a boring serious person. no matter how old i get i'm still gonna watch cartoons and eat fruit loops. it's a decision we make not to focus on the crap and just to have fun, i'm gonna live in the moment and laugh as much as i can and cry when i need to.

the smallest tip of an iceberg of thought

there's this dumb old saying "that my heart is too big to wear on my selve". this has been the case for me for a while now. i know i've been really superfical, but it's either that or crying, but this is a little attempt to let it out.

i've seen things lately things i don't get to see very often. i've never been a very emotional person, so it shocks me ever time i see it. lately i've seen a lot of other's ppl's hearts, like really what's in there. i thought that i'd finally gotten the picture of what life was suppose to be like and then i saw more and realized there's more to it. wow this is hard to be vague, it's much ezer to be superfical.

it seems to me that everyone's looking for a romantic relationship, weither we're willing to admitt it or not. this is something i'm not sure i understand, like when i meet someone i get excited, but the whole process is tuff. i think we have this image that when you find that person, then that's it you've found love and acceptance and you'll never be lonely anymore, which is partionally true..... but it takes a long time to get to that. now i know the typical answer to that has to be that we're not lonely because we have Jesus, yes i learnt this at Bible school. i think we forget about the love and fellowship from our church family and our families. i think of all the people that went to visit Noah after he was born, the amount of ppl that knew they loved him. and then i put myself there 19 years ago, all the ppl that love me and still do. friends and guys wonder in and out of your life, but those ppl have stayed throu it all.

i may not hear about Jesus 5 hours a day or spend countless hours in a church building, but God is more real to me now then He has ever been in my life.

my cereal makes my milk turn blue

do you ever think that maybe you're imagining things and then you convince yourself that that really can't be true, but then it is. sometimes this world is soo silly, but ppl don't see it.

i got new hockey skates today, it's nice to have a pair that aren't too small. and i convinced my mom to buy a pink shirt!! it was fun, i think everyone should wear pink, well females that aren't butch anyway.

you know how guys think about sex every like what.. 5 sec, i think i need to talk about sex like every few weeks. not that i do it, but for some reason i feel the need to discuss it.... it scares me.

so i'm learning that a lot of ppl smoke cigars, but then a lot of ppl got addicted to smoking because of social smoking. can it really be done? is there such a thing as an occasial smoker without getting addicted?

go away boys, i wanta play hockey

some ppl dream about boys, or careers, but i dream of the GHL. my nightmare last night was that hundreds of boys showed up and we couldn't play : ( LOL i love how that's my reaction to hundreds of guys.

one thing ppl always seem to think is that i'm a happy person all the time, which i've come to realize isn't entirely true. yesterday i was just crabby, like a bitch (i think it's ok that i call myself a bitch). as long as i can be active and free i'm a happy girl, however yesterday there was a lot of pain from my body. don't get the wrong idea, i loved snowboarding and i'm gonna go again, but my body is beat. realizing it hurts everytime you move so having to stay in one place, i go nuts!!! i'm gonna make the most cranky old lady, oh no.

i realized this expecially during the movie on tues, i could not sit still and shut up for 2 secs. one luck Lori was beside me so i giggled the whole time, very fun.

i'm adjusting to winkler... sorta. well thanx to Cody i found someone to tell me to eff off, which was nice.

oh this is old news but i guess not all of you know. on v-day i got a nephew, Noah David Bergen. He's super cute and i got to buy him a carebare!!

strange new sub-cultrues

it's weird the things you notice when you haven't been someplace or done something for a while.

fri was the craziest night ever. i went to steinbach to see my friend Eric from Capenwray. it was crazy the tim horton's there was exactly like winkler, like the mennoness. and then we just chilled and had some drinks and i got to smoke a cigar with him after. it's weird smoking with ppl from capenwray because i thought they were sooo bad for doing it out there, but now i don't care since i'm not under a contract not to do it. so i go from that to the next day watching my nephew play hockey and chasing pigs with my dad. all these things i found very fun, but sooo polar ends.

i tried to snowboard yesterday in my backyard, haha. it was funny but good. i'm really convinced that i want to be good at it... eventually. Lori we're totally going this week.
speaking of, i think i'm gonna rent the ice on thurs afternoon but that's not final. i'm soo board out here already. i went to church in coulee today and well i'll just say i miss the city a lot. i really miss my apartment and i miss Kim :) and to a much lesser extent Jason... hey it's nice to call someone an ass even if you have to be called a bitch to get it. LOL, i know this is sad but the countdown to coming back in the city is 5 days, ok i can do this...... i hope : P

you know the movie stepford whives, i feel like i stepped into that town. i'd pay money to hear someone tell someone else to eff off, or say they were having a bad day when they where, nothing seems real. it's all some dream drifting around me, with nothing real to grab on to.

Learning to breathe

i went to watch "The Notebook" today and the craziest thing happened. certain things in the movie sparked memories i had had with different guys. i flipped out at first and then began to enjoy the moment. i've shared some great times with a lot of great guys. i know offically i've only really been with 2 guys, but there's been a lot of "almosts". it just made me feel greatful for the things i have experienced. with everything i've gone through i proudly say that i don't have any regrets, it's always better to give it your all, then to wonder "what if". i'll always hold the memories close to my heart, but know that i don't want to be with any of them.

the other thing that i had to share was the sweetest thing i've ever heard. when my Grandpa was in the hospital, we brought my Grandma in one day and she didn't want to go for coffee with us there, she just wanted to sit and watch him sleep. i think that's it, what this is all about.

unicorns, and fairys exist

sometimes God teaches you lessons in the most superficial practical ways.

i have to admitt i'd given up hope till today. i know that i will find someone that fits me, but i decided that i'm just a perfectionist. i think sometimes that it's ok that a certain guy isn't quite right, but maybe he could work.

God showed me something today. i realized taht there are guys out there that are my type and it's sooo worth waiting for mine. sometimes it just gets soo hard. i've been listening to Dashboard Confessional and there's this song that goes "as for me i wish i was anywhere with anyone making out". i miss that, i miss being with someone, but i don't just wanna be with anyone. i think as girls we think that the prettiest girls are the ones that always get the guys, but it's all about finding the one for you.

i know that this is a little sappy, but it's whatz in my heart. it's a shocking realization to know that there's someone out there that will adore me, just the way i am with all my flaws. it humbles me because funny, hot, real, fun, Christian guys are hard to come by.

thank-you Jesus for know what my heart desires and promising to give it to me in full. wow, this is hard to realize....

acting my age

i have a big test tomorrow so tonight i came home cleaned the whole house, made supper, took a nap, watched pimp my ride (they pimped an old beatle!), tried to study... a little, and now i'm doing this.

haha that was yesterday, oh man never ever stay up till 4am to study for a test! i realized that i can work on a paper till 5am, but if you study late you seriously can't think the whole next day.

i'm getting so exciting for reading week!! there's only....um...today is... oh ya 3 more dayz left! we have to play hockey and lots of it, i have to make up for the crappyness that was Christmas break. oh and i got the list of the order of hands in poker so we can play! and we can use my simpson's monoply, still i think i'll always perfer jellybeans eat and play at the same time :)

my sister-in-law is due today!! i know i should be really excited, but i'm really nerveous. i'm not around babies very much, what if i drop her? :0 ya i said her, i'm hoping for a girl, then Jessica and me can buy her pink shoes!!! soo cute.

i was talking to Lori and she mentioned wanted to go someplace over reading week. i was wondering if anyone wanted to go to Fargo for like a night. i think it'd be fun to have 4 girls in a room and then like to go to the mall there, not like it have money to spend, but the clothes in the states are much cheaper.... well the trendy stuff anyway. ya just throwing that out there.

i did the worst thing today, i got the name of the super-hot guy in my class. i handed in my test right after he did and without thinking i looked at his and got his name. i'm afriad, oh well he's hot, but not my type, he has a man-purse :P

k, usually i like Green Day, but their song "i walk alone" is sooo over-played. gees, if you don't want to walk alone, walk with Jesus!!!!!!!! hehe i should write them a letter, see if i can "convert" them ;)

measuring failure

Romans 8:28:
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

most things are relative to how we measure it. if i considered the failures i've taken this year, i'd say that i fell flat on my faces and chalk it up as a waste, but then i look at what i've gained. nothing has turned out the way i thought it would, but i gained things i didn't see coming.

i went to my church today, i love it soo much. for all of you that asked and i didn't know, it's called the faith covenant church and they do have some college and career things which is very fun. i went skating today at the nicest park. it was like the kildonan park... i think and the ice was soo smooth, much better then the forks. i love being downtown, actually in the city, there's soo many cool places to go. oh, i went into a store and then had used snowboard boots for like $60 and they weren't bad!

oh and i went to the mall yesterday and i bought fruit lopps for the watch inside. i was disappointed on of the buttons is faulty so i can't program it, oh well it's bright yellow!! this is my new pet peive t-shirts that label you, like shirts that say "prep" or skateboard shirts that have dumb slogans or bags that say "i live to surf", c'mon ppl we live in southern manitoba. if you have to wear a shirt that says who you are you obiviously are not that, so don't be trying to fake it. hehe, but i can own the bag since i actually went! :)

you love me, but you don't know who i am

"you love me, but you don't know who i am"

i heard that song today and something just pulled hard on my heart, ya know how some things just grab you. i ran into an old friend today, well not really old, but you know the ppl that you shared something deep with at one time and that binded you with that person, and then didn't see them for a while.

it's that one person who for the slightest moment was your best friend, because they were the one person who was going throu the same thing you were. you feel so close but yet soo far away, like so much of your life is absent to them.

i think we're always trying to find that one person who can relate to everything we're going throu and some find it, while others (like me) seem to change sooo often we can't find a person that we can relate to from day to day.

i'm hoping this will change in my life, i'm soo sick of this. ppl that barly know you, but really love you. i was talking to Kenny the other day and we talked about my niece and i realized that a lot of ppl don't even know what happened with that in high school. that made me sad, but entirely my fault for not sharing, i realizing that it is important to share things in your life with ppl that care about you, even if they can't relate at the time.

i think i finally realized who i am and what i love. i know from time to time some things will change, but a few constants remain. i will always love Jesus, be a country-girl down to the heart, love playing sports, being outside and generally being active. humm, know any boys like that... haha