looking inside

For the last few days i've been living as a hermit. It's a strange feeling for me, i feel like i should be out there, meeting people, being my normal "social butterfly", but after being alone for so long i've become content with reading and the simplificity of being the only person in the room. i feel as though i've crawled inside myself and it feels safe there.

These last two weeks have been hard. i wish i could express all the emotions and things that happened, but the only thing that remains is contentment. thankfully my eyes have stopped hurting and the drama has subsided.

i'm been thinking a lot about being disillusioned. i've always been a firm believer that it's better to be educated about everything. i'm starting to realize the value of being disillusioned, that sometimes it's ok not to know it all and to pretend certain things don't exist. i think that needs to happen to really float through life, i want to float through whatever is left in this life with a smile. to me life was always just a silly game we all play, while Jesus laughed at us chasing our tails. i've learnt since then, now it's all important. wow, i'd give anything for a piano right now or the ability to right poetry again.

"it's (life) something unpredictable, but in the end is right, i hope you have the time of your life..." i love that quote; i would have never guessed i'd be here and i don't know where i'm gonna be, but God is in control and all i can do is enjoy the ride. i think it'd be ok with changing a lot of physical things in my life, but most of the changes are happening within me. last night before i went to bed i reflected on my year and where i've been. it makes me laugh. i would never do a lot of the things i did again, just retarded. it's hard to look back on yourself and not recognize that person and i know 2 years from now i won't recognize me either. so once again here i am on the dock at capes looking into the fogg and not knowing what's out there and wondering what's next; who am i turning into?