[free]falling

well i guess it's been some time so i should update this thing. i think this is what happens when you unwind and start to really enjoy the... well "free time" january offers :D. there's no way for me to begin to describe the adventures i've been on in the last month. (oh the places i have been, the things i have seen....) for some reason i feel secure. when it seems as if the whole world is spinning and i should get off the carousel ride i know things will be ok. i've taken some chances, jumped off the cliff and maybe i'll hit my head or maybe i'll get everything that i want.

i went to go see the new Rocky movie and in it he says something to the effect "it's not about how fast you are, it's about how much you can take and still stand up". people have always told me that i'm afraid to commit to things, but in reality i just hadn't found that thing i wanted to fight for. for some reason it takes a whole journey to discover where you want to end up. i may take a lot of hits, but that's ok cause i'm gonna keep fighting and one day i'll get there!

Christmas Blessings

first off i wanted to give a big MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone! i hope things are going well and wonderful.

well here i am christmas day at home.. by myself completely overwhelmed. my parents went to my grandparents but i couldn't i was done in. strange how at one point i remember being such a social person and now here i am. i am completely overjoyed by my tent (ya that's right i get to go camping anytime now). but that's not what's done it. it's crazy after surrounding myself with family and friends to realize how people see you. i guess i'm just super hard on myself, but all i see are the mistakes and the things i need to work on (it's true i'll never be satistified). it's just such a wonderful blessing to realize that ppl love you just for who you are.

I deserve

(i know we were taught that life is not but about what we deserve, but rather giving of ourselves to others, but i've hit my breaking point):
so here it is i deserve:

to make mistakes and have my friends and family still love me
at least one spout of laughter a day and a good cry a week
to be able to dress up and go out and be a women
to be with someone that appreciates you for who you are; regardless of if the scale slides 5 pounds in each direction or if you have a bad hair day!
at least one bad habit that others would like to change
to celebrate when we've accomplished something and cry when we fail
to fail, slip, and fall without being looked down upon (we all do it)
respect; no matter the age, race, occupation or position in society
to be worse at something then others, but better at something than others

we're all human and as so i think we have certain rights, these are my demands! it's just me, i fail, i fall, i cry, sometimes i succeed, i laugh and smile,in the end i deserve to be happy cause in the end we're all like this; the same.

Sweet surrender

i wish i were writing "i don't know how to say this but i've dropped out of school" right now but of course quiting is not an option.

as i was walking home today i met this guy who made my day; random i know. he told me that he was in a good mood and so i inquired as to why, "i just found out i got 50% on my test"!!! yicks! my response back .... "i got a B+ on a paper today and now i'm trying not to cry". At the end he wished me congradulations on my B+, i had to laugh. there was nothing else to do...

there's such a big difference between giving up and letting go; changing perspectives. i'm still mad i got a B+ and i'm never gonna quit fighting, but things are different...

someone better

do you ever want to transform yourself? become something else, someone better? of course i know the sunday school answer that we are just who we are and God made us that way, but really c'mon. I know my faults, i see them, we all see them and i know who i should be, what i should be doing.

yesterday i went to visit my grandparents and i found myself wanting to leave right after lunch so i could go home and work because that's my natural habit. i caught myself and realized that this was my grandma and i could take an hour to play a game of cards!! This attitude scares me as my course load isn't even that great compared to last year. i just want to tie myself up and not get into school to maintian this attitude of not caring and live life as if a "normal" person would, but it's impossible. cause here i go i'm diving in i'm going deep in over my head i'm going to be!!

i'm already there...

i had this thought all summer that when i got to the city things would change, i would change. well evidence remains that things are exactly the same as they've always been, with the exception of tons more shopping and going out for supper. besides this nothing has changed from summer, things i've always thought of as "phases" aren't such, this is it. it's crazy to imagine that this is my life as i've always wanted it to be. this summer was almost all i really wanted with the exception being that it wasn't mine. not my family, not my home, not my job (just filling in). it's harsh to think that you can some how change back into something you thought you were at one time, but it's impossible.

i'm going home tomorrow and i can barely hold myself here anymore, i know i complained and complained how badly i wanted to get to the city and i love living on my own, but i can't wait to get back... open fields, my 4-wheeler, my nephews/niece, snowball, talkin business.... :D

lucky for me

i feel incredibly lucky as of late, ya know those days where everything just seems to be going your way. i love school, my classes are sooo interesting!! i keep meeting new ppl all the time and some of them are just wonderful. ya know those ppl in your life that just bring the good out in you. i really love the ppl that you can just be yourself around, don't have to worry about being judged but just have a great time. These are my true blessings; the loves of my life.

I've had such a great week (not a lot of work done thou :S) but just had a wonderful time with friends. i can't lie i miss my yard, my 4-wheeler, my kitty and most importantly my niece/nephews. Even so i am really excited for the blessings that lie ahead of me this year!!!