i can see clearly now

it's 2am and i finally say that i'm sorry i've been this way, i didn't mean to make you cry oh baby sometimes i wonder why does it always have to come down to you leaving before i say i love you.... hehe ok i don't know if those are the right words but it is 2am and here i am. i haven't eaten, or slept, i'm sick and really tired, but completely happy. exams does this crazy thing to me, it puts me back. it's kinda strange how when your mind stops and you just sit back and watch your life you can see it all so much clearer. i'm starting to get it, why i'm this way, the things i always thought of as my worse flaws were completely put there on purpose.

today i watched what felt like a reanactment of the hardest thing i've ever been through. i was gonna be vague about this but whatever you all know anyway. when i was 17 my brother got drunk and had a baby with a "random" girl. then there was EMily!! i love that girl sooo much. those months of my life, accepting all that happened was so hard, watching my family in pain like that. going to visitations watching my brother have to get to know his own daughter. ya i'm stronger then what most ppl think i am. it all came flooding back to me tonight, it was triggered. all i wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry for some reason this was ok... it means i'm still alive i still feel these things and as much as they hurt they're milestones. i'm not sure why i'm writing all this, but sometimes it just good to look back and realize that this isn't hell (exams...) and in our real moments of weakness God is so near and He just holds us, because there's nothing more we can do.