confusion to chew on

i'm sure nothing in this post will not make any sense, cause my brain is completely fried. i'm done my exams, but my brain just keeps thinking not about my exams but about something else....

i'm really happy, like to a point i haven't been at for a long time and i just don't get why. something triggered my thoughts the other day to thinking about the bad times in our lives, you know we've all had them; times of feeling down and sorry for yourself. i thought about mine and i realized how incredibly happy i am right now and the cause... hummmm. i'm not overly spiritual, i'm not in love, school's going ok, and well i'm not rich at all, but i feel as if i'm bursting with joy. ok so every once in a while i have my spurts of bitchness about things, but generally if anyone asked me i'd say that i'm sooo excited about my life. i'm at a point where i love it, i love what i do, i love the freedom, i love discovering who i am and how i feel, and just generally feeling alive. it's as if i've spent a lifetime hiding away and now here i am scared as hell, but living!!

this seems to fly in the face of everything i've logically considered the 'correct' path to happiness. i'm completely and fully baffaled about it all. i guess it proves God knows you better then you know yourself, but this makes no sense!! it seems as if i'm happier outside of the church... living a "normal" life in faith. my dreams seem so small and almost selfish, but i am completely fulfilled. perhaps a life of working hard and living in faith and sharing God in simple love and relationships is the calling, not direct in-church service... weird. well now i'm babbling and this is just making my headache worse, so i'll leave with that and continue to ponder the subject...