being real
today was defenitely a bad day in my rollercoster life. this morning i lost my bus pass so i skipped my class and consquently missed going to the gym, which makes me very cranky. i came to the realization that i am a very active person thou. like seriously i know this may sound a little dirty but there is nothing better then the feeling of being sweaty. i love running and working out and having my bum constantly sore!! also i decided that i need to be less of a wimp. i love anything athletic as long as i don't have any chance of getting hurt. i'll push myself to a point where i'm still safe and then that's it. so i decided that i'm gonna go snowboarding again and i'm gonna waterski this summer.
i think i'm like that in relationships, i'm soo scared to get burned i hold back and i date "safe" guys. i always thought that being smart enough to make the right decisions can save you from being burnt, but you just end up missing out on sooo many great things. sometimes you just have to dive in without thinking, and deal with the mess after. surprisingly i'm tougher then i thought i was, but i didn't know it till i let myself live.
in sports, school and relationships i've never pushed myself to see what i am really capable of. i guess i was just too afraid that my best wasn't good enough and the unknown of not trying meant that maybe i'm better then i think, but at least i wasn't failing. i want to try things and work hard and maybe fail, maybe pass, but at least i'll know. for the last few days i've been trying to figure out why i stopped playing basketball in high school. i loved it soo much and i still do. i was just soo afriad i wouldn't make it. basketball was my life, my identity for soo many years and if i couldn't even make senior ball what kind of loser was i, but now i look back and realize that i'm the loser now for not trying. sports has always been such a huge part of my life and living without playing competively for the last few years, it just feels like a part of me is missing. i miss having a coach push me harder, faster then i've ever done before and being in the battle of a game. Mr. Klassen pretty much yelled at me in grade 9 for not trying out for seniors then and he was right, i shouldn't be such a wimp!!
i think i always felt and still do, that i'll never live up to my siblings. Dwain was this amazing hockey player and my parents were soo proud of him and Jolene was this ultra-thin gorgeous, smart girl. what was left for me? i was just the ultra-good Christain one, but really i'm not that good. sometimes i wonder what ppl say about me b/c you know how you attach certain things to ppl to describe them like "the nice one" or "the smart one". i don't know where i fit in that? i think that's why i hate being around ppl that don't know me very well. i just wanta be Cherise and what i'm doing is of no effect, bc it's who i am that is important. i guess the label of the dumb blonde has always stuck in my mind, i've always been afriad that that's all ppl see of me. the sadest part is when i do that to other ppl. there's this girl in my class and she's gorgeous and for some reason i think that that makes her dumb and i just can't bring myself to talk to her. and for some reason when i ride the bus or pick where to sit in class i always gravitate towards the ppl with the same level of attractiveness as me.
u of m feels soo much like high school to me and so i should fit in in the same places i did then, but i don't feel like i do, something's changed. the one thing i realized is that Andrew and i would have been perfect together in high school, but now i'm such a different person. like i'm back to the same place i was in grade 9. i'm the new girl again and everybody likes me, but why is that? it's like for a breif fleeting momeny you were the best person ever and then you blink and you're just a memory. like a novelty item brought in the spice up the party and then returned once it's over.
it makes me soo much of a 2-denintional object. i feel like that a lot actually. there are soo many different aspects of my life that ppl don't know about me. i've gone throu a lot of crap, and ppl never really knew, i hated that. going to school with my "happy face". i just wanna be real and i that's what this journal is all about. this is my thoughts, this is my life. sometimes it's really fucked up but God's helping me throu. and i'm sorry it may at times not be rated G, but real life isn't rated G!
i think i'm like that in relationships, i'm soo scared to get burned i hold back and i date "safe" guys. i always thought that being smart enough to make the right decisions can save you from being burnt, but you just end up missing out on sooo many great things. sometimes you just have to dive in without thinking, and deal with the mess after. surprisingly i'm tougher then i thought i was, but i didn't know it till i let myself live.
in sports, school and relationships i've never pushed myself to see what i am really capable of. i guess i was just too afraid that my best wasn't good enough and the unknown of not trying meant that maybe i'm better then i think, but at least i wasn't failing. i want to try things and work hard and maybe fail, maybe pass, but at least i'll know. for the last few days i've been trying to figure out why i stopped playing basketball in high school. i loved it soo much and i still do. i was just soo afriad i wouldn't make it. basketball was my life, my identity for soo many years and if i couldn't even make senior ball what kind of loser was i, but now i look back and realize that i'm the loser now for not trying. sports has always been such a huge part of my life and living without playing competively for the last few years, it just feels like a part of me is missing. i miss having a coach push me harder, faster then i've ever done before and being in the battle of a game. Mr. Klassen pretty much yelled at me in grade 9 for not trying out for seniors then and he was right, i shouldn't be such a wimp!!
i think i always felt and still do, that i'll never live up to my siblings. Dwain was this amazing hockey player and my parents were soo proud of him and Jolene was this ultra-thin gorgeous, smart girl. what was left for me? i was just the ultra-good Christain one, but really i'm not that good. sometimes i wonder what ppl say about me b/c you know how you attach certain things to ppl to describe them like "the nice one" or "the smart one". i don't know where i fit in that? i think that's why i hate being around ppl that don't know me very well. i just wanta be Cherise and what i'm doing is of no effect, bc it's who i am that is important. i guess the label of the dumb blonde has always stuck in my mind, i've always been afriad that that's all ppl see of me. the sadest part is when i do that to other ppl. there's this girl in my class and she's gorgeous and for some reason i think that that makes her dumb and i just can't bring myself to talk to her. and for some reason when i ride the bus or pick where to sit in class i always gravitate towards the ppl with the same level of attractiveness as me.
u of m feels soo much like high school to me and so i should fit in in the same places i did then, but i don't feel like i do, something's changed. the one thing i realized is that Andrew and i would have been perfect together in high school, but now i'm such a different person. like i'm back to the same place i was in grade 9. i'm the new girl again and everybody likes me, but why is that? it's like for a breif fleeting momeny you were the best person ever and then you blink and you're just a memory. like a novelty item brought in the spice up the party and then returned once it's over.
it makes me soo much of a 2-denintional object. i feel like that a lot actually. there are soo many different aspects of my life that ppl don't know about me. i've gone throu a lot of crap, and ppl never really knew, i hated that. going to school with my "happy face". i just wanna be real and i that's what this journal is all about. this is my thoughts, this is my life. sometimes it's really fucked up but God's helping me throu. and i'm sorry it may at times not be rated G, but real life isn't rated G!
posted by Cherise at 1:15 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home